


Dropping the Soap, & the Consequences Thereof

by vonquixote (propergoffick), WellHarkAtHer



Category: Withnail & I (1986)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-12
Updated: 2018-01-12
Packaged: 2019-03-03 20:45:33
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,697
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13349199
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/propergoffick/pseuds/vonquixote, https://archiveofourown.org/users/WellHarkAtHer/pseuds/WellHarkAtHer
Summary: Marwood is in the bath. Withnail joins him. Marwood monologues himself into a fit of homosexual thirst. Withnail dares him to act upon it.





	Dropping the Soap, & the Consequences Thereof

**Author's Note:**

> More old!fic (this one from 2009).
> 
> Marwood's internal monologue is all her, the descriptive text is all me, and we both did the voices. Literally. We wrote this in bed together, which... is a commentary on our relationship, and us as people, and WHY AM I TELLING YOU ALL THIS?

This was the life. Bathtub. Book. Bloody peace and bloody quiet, without bloody Withnail hammering on the bloody door -

Marwood ought to have known better, really. At the very thought of Withnail, there came a series of thunderous footsteps from below, interspersed with the slamming of doors and the occasional crash or tinkle of overturned belongings. With a long, deep and heartfelt sigh he set his book down under the bathtub and awaited the inevitable.

It was not long in coming. Withnail barged the door open and tumbled in, looked around wildly as if taking his bearings and began stripping off. No, wait - not began, continued. Marwood could see the trail of discarded clothing leading downstairs, overcoat at the bottom, then the jacket, tie flung carelessly over the banister, and braces now adorning the doorknob.

"What the hell are you doing?"

"I'm going to have a bath."

"What, now?"

"Yes, now. I've an audition to attend and I'm not going in this state. I'd be a disgrace to the profession."

"But I'm in the bath."

"Well, you're just going to have to share."

The ensuing struggle did neither of them any favours. One of Marwood's hands scrabbled frantically beneath the tub, shoving his book away from the splashes and overflows, while all remaining limbs fought to repel the invading mass responsible for them. Eventually they reached something resembling truce and accord, with Marwood's feet wedged in Withnail's armpits while Withnail's hung over both Marwood's shoulders and the edge of the bath. Marwood peered over the edge. The book, at least, was safe. Reassured somewhat, he leant back and considered the elongated idiot he was now sharing a bath with.

"This is ridiculous."

"Actually, I'm quite comfortable. Now, pass the soap."

"I don't have it."

"I thought you had it."

"I don't. You must have it."

"You've lost it."

"You're finding it."

"You lost it."

"No I didn't. I had it until you got in the bath. You must be sitting on it or something."

"Pass the soap, then, if you know where it is."

"You're sitting on it, you fetch it."

"My hands are busy."

Marwood looked at the one hand, clasping a soggy roll-up to his lips, and at the other, dangling over the side of the bath about some unseemly business of its own, and sighed again.

"I'm not going to rummage around in your crotch."

"What's wrong with my crotch?"

"I dare not speculate. And I certainly don't want to know."

"Man up and find the bloody soap, will you?"

_Oh God. I'm not rummaging about in another man's crotch. Does he think I rummage about in other men's crotches all the time? Maybe he wants me to rummage him? Maybe this is some fiendish plan! Maybe he's been in love with me for years and this is his only chance to consummate, to act on his desires! Oh God, if I find the soap maybe he'll take that as a sign that I feel something for him, and then he'll be on me. Like a stoned octopus. Oh dear God, is he stoned?_

"You're stoned."

"Certainly am. I'm not going to an audition straight. My nerves are shot to bloody ribbons." Withnail took another long toke. "I hold you entirely responsible for this. Your neuroses are catching."

_Oh God. My neuroses are catching? Am I damning us both merely by remaining in the same bathtub? Maybe I should get out? But what if that makes it worse, if I get out. What if he thinks I'm abandoning him? What if he's really in love with me and he thinks I'm shunning him? He could take it to the end! I could come back here and find him drowned in stale bathwater, his bloated corpse staring up at me, with eyes like goldfish bowls! I can't leave him._

"Well? Are you going to pass the soap, or not? I'll be late for my audition at this rate."

Marwood shut his eyes, lunged wildly forward, tried hard not to think about where he was and what he was doing and grabbed the first solid object his fingers alighted upon.

"No, that's not the soap."

"How do you know?"

"It's attached to me. Soap notoriously lacks this quality."

_OH. GOD._

_Fuck fuck fuck fuckity-fuck fuck a duck in the bathtub._

_I'VE GOT HOLD OF HIS COCK. I am at this point holding Withnail's cock in my hand. Who knows if anyone else has ever been in this position? How can he be so calm about the whole situation? Do men regularly go around holding his cock? Is he so used to it that it means nothing to him? Is it all that time in public school? Is this what it prepares you for? Sitting in the bathtub with another man's hand wrapped around your genitalia?_

"Well, don't take all day about it." Withnail leaned back, took an enormous toke and uttered the most damning word of all. "Ponce."

_Ponce! Does he suspect something? What could he suspect? I'm not homosexual. Am I? I am holding another man's cock. But that was all Withnail's fault. But that bloke in the pub called me a ponce. Does everyone know? Is it a vast conspiracy? Have I just not noticed? Have I been unhappy all my life, searching for something to fill the hole? Oh God, I'm thinking about holes and the filling thereof whilst holding another man's cock! Maybe they're all right. Maybe it's not Withnail who's hopelessly in love with me. Maybe it's me hopelessly in love with him and I haven't noticed? Maybe that's why I put up with him? Maybe he completes me?_

"Do you plan on doing something with that or are you just going to clutch at it like a fucking lifebelt all day?"

_Why a lifebelt? Is he trying to save me? Does he realise that he's the one thing in all the world that completes me? Is he trying to save me from myself? Giving me that little push over the edge into true happiness! What the bloody hell am I saying?_

"Just because I'm already late for my audition doesn't mean I want to spend all day in the bath, you know."

"What do you mean you're already late for your audition?"

"I mean _je suis en retard pour mon audition_. _Ich bin spät für meine Audition_. _Ego sum tardus pro meus..._ audition, I suppose. I am bloody well late for my audition. How much clearer can I make it?"

_Already late? We've only been in the bath ten minutes. This whole thing was a setup! A setup to get me touching his cock! Obviously his obsession with me is so intense that he must sink to these depths in order to realise his frustrated passions! But my passions are frustrated too! Maybe we're sitting here in this ghastly flat, each desperately longing for the other? Going round and round, always hoping, always longing, but never realising that our desires are mutual! No wonder it's such a hell-hole!_

_I must end this. For the good of all concerned, I must put a stop to this madness._

Marwood moved his hand. Not far. Tentatively. Testing the waters, so to speak.

"For God's sake, man! Pull your finger out! Shit or get off the pot! _Carpe_ fucking _diem_!"

_Oh dear God. Half an inch and he's already dissatisfied. What if I can't do this? What if my complete lack of experience with men renders me unable to perform in this capacity? What if he thinks I'm going to just tentatively tug at it all day? Maybe he assumes my neuroses are going to leave me stranded! In a word, impotent! I must show him I can be strong, that I can take the initiative and seize the day!_

Marwood leapt out of the bath like a salmon coming home to spawn, dragging Withnail forwards by the genitals and ducking his head underwater. He spluttered and thrashed and kicked as Marwood grabbed him by the legs and dragged him out. Withnail's arse hit the floor with a wet smack, and he howled in pain as Marwood hauled him across the bathroom.

"What the blazes are you doing? Release me at once, you warmongering little bastard!"

"No! I won't let us continue like this! It's for our own good, Withnail!"

"What the hell are you on about?" Withnail's left leg made a bid for freedom - Marwood caught it, but slackened his grip on the right, which proceeded to pummel him most unforgivingly about the chest and shoulders. In Marwood's attempt to defend himself, the other came free and joined the assault, and left Marwood propped in the doorframe gasping for breath while Withnail scrambled to his feet and lunged for the towel. "Right, you shit. I shall avenge myself upon you and hie me to the public house without delay!"

"No, Withnail! You must remain!"

"Remain what, you cretinous blackguard, you Iago of the bathwater, you veritable Claudius of the soap-tray? Is this a rubber duck I see before me?" Withnail seized the item in question and flung it at Marwood's head - it hit the wall six inches above and to the right with a squeak and bounced back to its originator's feet. Marwood flinched anyway - couldn't help it - and yielded valuable seconds of affray, in which Withnail had time to drench and twist the towel and advance with menacing demeanour and vengeance apparent in his eyes.

"Withnail, please!" Marwood flailed at the oncoming towel, battering it away from his face. "You must come with me at once!"

"Come with you? Right now I'd leave you on the mountainside for the wolves, you rancid backstabbing Oedipus!" Withnail drew the towel up or another swipe.

"For fuck's sake, Withnail, I am not your father, your mother, the Sphinx or any buggering citizen of Thebes! Pay attention to the bloody present day for once!" The towel paused in its merciless arc, and Marwood took the chance to scale Withnail and ensnare him about the wrists with it. "I love you, you fool! Now come with me!"

Marwood hauled on the towel and led his prize away.


End file.
